DIARY OF A MADMAN

Wed, 24 May 2006 07:28:40 GMT

cnat remember when the last time was i was on this website
but its nice to at least read whats going on these dyas since im never really around for it

"im sorry that you feel that way, and maybe someday i'll change. i jsut cant see things your way, why cant we just agree?!?!"

i'll fall asleep with pen in hand, there is something that you should know

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 09:38:29 GMT

so i kinda feel bad right now
my isister is pissed because i got this car handed to me and she has to drive that huge ass van
i kinda see where she is coming from though
cuz she earned her liscense
she got good grades she did the work
i didnt do shit in my last years of school mostly cuz i didnt care
and thats why i dont have a liscense
but im thinking about it and its jsut making me think that maybe she should have gotten it not me
and the only reason i got it is somy parents can get me out of theer house
which kinda makes sense i mean granted i pay rent a ibarely eat there food anymore
he ony thing i really get form them is a ride to work and a roof to sleep under
but its making me feel that im not really wanted and i need to distance myself form the family

another thing that is bugging me is the rest of the family
they epect so much stuff from me that i cant give them
im mean all my life i have never been in one town for more than a few years then when we move back to where all the family is they expected me to fit the form of thier ideals and stuff and be like them but im not
and it makes me feel really shitty that i cantbe what they want and it makes me feel like im an outcast forrm them
they do stuff all the time together but i never get a call syaing hey james wanna go do some fishing or hunting we are going out for the wekend wanna come
nothing like that
andthis isnt my immediate family i mean my grandparents and my cousins and stuff
i mean im sure some of it is because my mom tells them a lot of stuff im doing that i dont but that doesnt have much to do with it
my grandma is convinced im satan in the flesh and they only vibe i ge from my grandpa is " why cant you be what we all want you to be" and my grandpa means more to me than anyone and hes gonna die soon and justt wanna be able to do something that will make him proud of me so when he goes he doesnt think im the grandson that didnt care and didnt wanna care and let him down
thats all i can think aobut lately
and my other grandpa hes not gonna be here much longer either
but its to late to rebuild that bridge
he has alzhiemers and doesnt even know who i am anymore

but all i want to do is jsut make everyone proud of me
but i wanna do it with something that doesnt comprimise the way i live my life
andim sure tat is a lot to ask for and its not easy but for me thats the only way i can do it

one of my favorite songs says it best
"you can take a road to take you to the stars, i can take a road that will see me through"
and i feel like m family wants me to take the road to the stars but i jsut want to take the one that will see me through

and my friends thats another story
i love them all a lot they are like my other family
but sometimes it seems like i cant do anything right by them
and i know they care about me tey have told me so but sometimes i feel like im out of the group
the one thing i did do is quit smoking
and i really did this time
i am one hundred percent smoke free
and without there encouragement and stuff i couldnt have done it

maybe i shouldnt care and i should do everything the way i want to do it
but that would make a huge hole in my life where the approval of my family and friends would be

ATTN: JOHN WILSON AND SAM SILVERSTEIN

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 08:58:02 GMT

so im 19 and the only good thing i got out of the deal was a car
but i still have to get my liscense before i get the keys
but now i actually have some real motivation to get it now

but i was thinking about stuff
and i miss emily i havent seen her in a really long time and it bums me out a lot

but with this car that i now have as soon as i get y liscense life is gonna be a lot better
ill be able to see all the poeple i miss so much
i used to see a lot of them almost everyday but then i got a full time job
and lately im thinking that having a fat bank account isnt worth missing all the awesome time to be had
but soon ill be able to have the job and a fat bank account and hang out too
so im really stoked right now

oh yeah john
i was wondering if you saw GRIZZLY MAN on the discovery channel
its really good
i thought that you might like it a lot
cuz the guy timothy treadwell really reminds of you in some ways
cuz he just wants to live his life simply with his friends (the bears) and not have a bunch of bullshit to deal with
so i thought i might pick that for you its realy good

i mean i dont exactly relate to this guy in fact im really on the opsite side of the spectrum from this treadwell guy but its still a good story

and the HEAD HIGH single is fucking awesome
but i think sam might get a kick out of it
the name of the song is SKATE OR DIE
funny i think so
but its a really good song

emergency

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 07:30:26 GMT

myspace erased all my shit so add me

http://www.myspace.com/carlos_ofthenight

if you can do that that would be sweet

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 06:53:26 GMT

you know i dont get online very much anymore
but everytime i get a chance to i read everything that all my friends write
i read it i see it
and makes me realize how out of touch i am with my friends
the only time i cn ever see them is at shows
i mean it just makes me feel like yeah i know these poeple i used o see them almos evryday
but then i started work
andmy life was cut in half
but its just not the same it doesnt feel like we are frends anymore
even the people i was closest with
and i know that when i get a car it will change cuz ill be able to go over and see them whenever i want
but i odnt know
its jsut wierd

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 02:15:32 GMT

hahaha
im definetly gonna get shit canned if they find out im on lj and myspace at work

fuckers

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 07:06:55 GMT

COPS 1 : Tiki House 0

on top of that im pissed off
for some reason myspace deleted a shit load of people off my friends list
i went form like 190 somethin to 7
what the fuck and the only icon that shows up of those 8 friends is OWEN HART
at least its a sweet band
but im still pissed cuz toms ican doesnt show up so i cant send him a message at bitch about it
WTF?!?!?!?!
im so pissed
am i the only on this has happened to?

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 08:50:00 GMT

oh fuck
tomorrow
THE HUNT IS ON
DEER SKIN CAPES FOR EVERYONE

and if MOJ plays on friday
i will be the happiest person in the world

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 07:40:51 GMT

saw the new harry potter
it fucking rules so much

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 07:40:26 GMT

weather or not you choose to believe it
leaves truely fell

and it was never my own idea
i couldve never thought of something like that

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 09:09:18 GMT

wtf
why do all the girls these days except a few
i.e.: carly, hillary, aubrey, jordan, katie, and maybe one or two others
have a huge stick up there ass

actually ya know what
i dont give a fuck
at least im gonna say that

ATTN: those who give a fuck

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 09:01:08 GMT

sean said something to me the other night about smoking
nothing out of teh usual stuff like hoe its bad and stuff like that
but then another comment he made really hit a chord with me
and it made me realize how stupid it is
but poeple always tell me quit for you not for otehr poeple
do it cuz it makes you a better person
well when i quit its not gona be for myself cuz frankly what happens to my body i odnt really care
but whats gonna mkae we quit is knowing that my friends care
and i told him that in fact lately the way things have been going it almost made me cry a little
jsut knowing that someone cares
but i guess now the battle starts to quit
i wish it was as easy for me to just throw them away but i have tried that it doesnt work
but im really gonna do it this time i hope

maybe ill give that striaght edge thing a try when i get my shit striaght

this song inspires me so much

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 08:41:50 GMT

"Snakes Among Us"

your garbage it is growing
and your weapons and rebellions
were charged on daddy's card
to all your baffled looks
we didn't choose to do this the hard way
but we scream our lungs and we raise our glasses
to all the girls, and all the boys
with the first five minutes of a war always at their sides
(and like the man said...)
"i fall asleep with pen in hand there's something
you should know"
and all your guts and all your goals
came in the shiny promo package
knew how this would end before you bled for the beginning
strike a pose
so when you get off your happy little bus
with your happy little smiles
with your happy little instruments that never go out of tune
we will be fucking up and missing words
following you in a van that we had to beg to start
and of course we're fucking angry
and of course we're tired and ugly
it's not all a sunny Sunday
(and like the man said...)
"you can take a road that takes you to the stars
i can take a road that will see me through"

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 08:59:20 GMT

i really wnat to talk to your right now but i know you need your rest
and ill see you on friday
school till 10:30 has to suck hardcore

oh fuck
my manager tried to bitch at me today
for some bullshit like
he asked me to do something
and for somereason he thought that was more important than customer service
so the three guys around me definetely ganged up on him
and told him pretty much to fuck off
but in a professional way a.k.a minus the fowl language

ken cryer
consider yourself PWN3D

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 02:19:12 GMT

im am so happy
operation
chase girl for three months succesful

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 09:59:26 GMT

well fourtyfive minutes of printing and 52 pages later im off to bed

dont blame me said the kid with the gun, sure i pulled the trigger but it needed to be done

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 09:23:19 GMT

first tears in a long while
hopefully never again
i really wish i knew you better now that im faced with reality
but enough of this from me
no one wants to hear it

work was slow today
but ireally feel like i accomplished something
the new kid who works for me no matter how many times i tell him to give poeple all of thier stuff back
especially when it comes to a gun cuz you have to by law he still doesnt he leaves tools all over the place and i cant have that in my shop
so finally after a few weeks of putting up with it i busted soem ass today
hopefully he will break his habit
i mean hes a is a great guy
but hes got alot to learn if he wants to keep his job and he better do it quick

on a good nots i shot a robinhood today
and for those who dont know what that is its shooting one arrow inside of the other with a bow
it pretty much ruled and made my day much better

i was hoping we would share some words today regardless of the subject
maybe it just isnt the right time yet
but there is always tomorrow

but until tomorrow
i love all of my friends
even if i barely know you and you are reading this obviously i wouldnt be wrtiing this so you could read it unless i wanted you to hear it
my friends are my family
and i will always take care of you
<3 goodnight to all

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 07:23:50 GMT

only one word can describe this night

AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tomorrow will be a trying but
but i feel its for the best

i guess it just makes me listen to this song

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 06:02:07 GMT

Tell me how could you compromise
Yourself like this?
Tell me how could you blame anyone else
When you aren't really committed?
Tell me where was your head
When you broke that promise to yourself,
The one where you don't forget
Every life lesson that happend before your eyes
So you don't wake up to regret she's gone years away?
You had hopes and dreams of a day
Where everything, everything, everything would come together,
You wouldn't have to be so scared.

Are we just working till a day we decide we've had enough?
All along
We were strong enough
To be sick of it,
And put them back in their fucking place.
we never asked for this responsibility
We were never in this...
Together.

The reality that you know
Is just behind your idea
Of a society, security, and self.
Am I just fucked up?
'Cause I can't remember
The last time any of this made sense,
The last time I
Could stand up to myself.
Street faces all blend into one,
They ask for spare change.
Am I forgetting
What it looks like
From the other side?
Have I forgotten where I've come from?

Are we just working till a day we decide we've had enough?
All along
We were strong enough
To be sick of it,
And put them back in their fucking place.
we never asked for this responsibility
We were never in this...
Together...

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 05:19:27 GMT

it is only after this that i realize how fucking stupid it is and how fucked up it is to not like other poeple
especially when it is over some stupid petty bullshit like it was with me and him
we never knew each other personally but some how or another we ended up not getting along and why was this because of something that was said over to internet to each other
at this very moment i feel worse than i have ever felt
it only makes me more sad to know that i never got to know person who might have been a very good freind to me if it wasnt for some bullshit that happened
this is my affidavit to the world
from now on i will give no judgements no snooty remarks
nothing that wil hurt another
at least i will try my best
i never got along with this kid and now he is gone i realize how fucking stupid it is eventhough the last time we saw each other it wasnt a friendly meeting

all i can think aobut right now is all the poeple that were close to eric and how they must feel
josh kit russ danielle all those other poeple that i didnt meet
i hope if we ever meet agian we can be friends
rest in peace
im positive that you will be missed

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 08:16:17 GMT

im not bitter anyway
i just thought things couldve turned out differently
but now it doesnt matter
cuz ive got someone better

and what makes me think that youre so special
when in reality
you suck hardcore

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 08:09:07 GMT

im so confused about stuff right now
all i want to do is go over to the tiki house and hang out but i cant
that is one place that i truely feel at home more than i do at my own house
sounds strange but its true
i only ever get to see my friends anymore and its not like its not my fault i took the job and i like the job i jsut wish it wasnt so many hours
but if had a liscense it wouldnt even matter
but i jsut miss hanging out and going for a skate at midnight and sam telling me how wierd i am and even being a complete dick and cory taking everything overboard
i miss having conversations with john about other things than music
other stuff that matters
GOOD LUCK WITH THE JOB! btw
i miss going out in the garage and doing shitty covers
and then having to beg one of the girls to drive me home cuz im a lazy fuck
but most af all i just mis the feeling of belonging to something that meant and still means a lot to me
all i can think about right now is when im gonna get over there agian
and when im gonna finally get a girlfriend so i dont feel so lonely
but its all in due time i guess

IM A POOL BOY

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 06:17:37 GMT

The Pool Boy
Random Gentle Sex Dreamer (RGSDm)

Friendly and eager. You are The Pool Boy.

A teen at heart, you anxiously move about your daily tasks, hoping, praying for a good, instant lay. You're carefree, enthusiastic, and rarely discouraged. Love is cool, but it's not for you right now. You know what is? Crotches.

You're a fun person in both big and small groups, and your friends trust and love you. Inside you, meanwhile, your lust is only growing. Imagine your beating heart sprouting pubic hair. Exactly. Try shaving that.

Your exact opposite:
The False Messiah

Deliberate Brutal Love Master

If you're not scoring enough--which you aren't--you should adopt new strategies. Lower your standards. Be aggressive. Pool Boys are often submissive and hope (desperately) sex will find them. Realize that passiveness will not hook the horny girls you desire. A bolder approach and sheer repetition will.

When browsing OkCupid, consider both The Dirty Little Secret and The Playstation.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Battleaxe, The Priss

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: ghostbhndmyeyes

this thing is fucking good

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 07:13:34 GMT

and we rock
Because it's us against them.
We found our own reasons to sing,
And it's so much less confusing
When lines are drawn like that,
When people are either consumers or revolutionaries,
Enemies or friends hanging on the fringes
Of the cogs in the system.
It's just about knowing where everyone stands.
All of a sudden,
People start talking about guns,
Talking like they're going to war
'Cause they found something to die for.
Start taking back what they stole;
Sure beats every other option,
But does it make a difference how we get it?
Well, do you really fucking get it?

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 07:52:19 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAWN MAIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck yeah twenty years old
im happy for you man have a good time